One
Bay Port, Maine?Thursday
Leaden clouds stealthily prowled across the surprised face of the early October moon. They advanced in great growing billows, each dark mass rearing larger than the one before as they swelled and loomed higher with gathering energy. Cells of turmoil began joining forces in the night sky.
The winking play of light and shadow that flickered over the small harbor inlet flashed unmistakable portents of an approaching storm.
Those crew members who were still on board fishing boats at this late hour sharply honed their attention to the familiar markers of the imminent sea change. The queasiness of increasing anxiety rippled through their every nerve.
On the grassy hillside beyond the wharf, people in their neatly clustered homes repeatedly pulled curtains aside to peer out at the sky. The highly charged air sparked growing apprehension within the quickening hearts of the shore dwellers restlessly pacing before their unshuttered windows.
One minute the watery surface danced with reflected points of lustrous moonlight, the next it was ominously dark and mysterious.
The waters of Bay Port began to lose their glassy surface as the breeze became a wind that blew them into ever deepening ripples?ripples threatening to become chop soon.
The alternating light and shadows flashed across the bobbing vessels moored in the slips hugging the crescent cove.
The light and shadows spilled across the rigging of the boat known by the locals as Destiny II, a fishing boat badly in need of paint and care. The once shiny gold lettering on the bow and stern had seen better days. Now they were worn by years of lashing waves and blowing spindrift. The vessel?s name was as much in need of refurbishing as the rest of its deteriorating exterior. Its tired appearance mirrored the owner?s declining interest and growing lack of attention.
Light and shadows played across the faces of the two people in its wheelhouse.
The light reflected off the woman?s brimming tears.
The shadows hid the man?s rising level of frustration.
?But everything was going so well for us,? the woman repeated for the third time. ?We had plans.? The mistiness of her green eyes caught the moonlight for a moment before it was obscured by another tumbling bank of clouds. ?I can?t believe how out of the blue this is. How can you just suddenly say that it?s over? Oh God,? she sighed, an irrepressible sob bringing a hitch to her words. ?I . . . I just can?t believe you?re saying this. This can?t be real. It can?t be happening.? Her voice lowered when she expressed a new thought that speared her mind like a javelin cast into her heart. ?It?s another woman, isn?t it? It has to be.?
Paul Hollander released a long sigh of his own. He?d been dreading the day when he finally had to let her know how he?d been feeling about their relationship, their future. That his crazy, unrealistic dream of having his own fishing fleet was never going to pan out. That their idyllic plans to get married, buy that prim little house on the hill with the white picket fence, and raise a couple of kids was just some rose-covered-cottage pipe dream they?d fashioned from nothing more realistic than pixie dust. For six years it?d kept them both going. Barely. And for the last five months of that time he?d been the only one who?d realized that ?barely? was never going to get it. He?d been the only one who took the time for periodic reality checks.
He gently raised his hands to the woman?s trembling shoulders and slid equally shaking fingers down her arms. Though it might not have been visibly obvious, he was as upset as she was.
?Sadie,? he said as tenderly as he could, ?listen to me. We need to face the fact that I?m never going to have that fleet. I can barely support myself, much less a wife and family with the kinds of catches I?ve been bringing in over the last two years.? A burst of blinding light from the sky made him hesitate before adding, ?You deserve better.?
The woman wasn?t letting the approaching storm distract her. ?But the Prudhoe Bay?! Prudhoe Bay, for god?s sake? Why, that?s the most absurd thing I?ve ever heard. Even for you, don?t you think that?s a little extreme? Way over the top? And, I?d like to know,? she said with a voice heavy with incredulity and suspicion, ?what?s so almighty wrong with me being a pipeline inspector?s wife? What?s your change of job got to do with us? What?s it got to do with you and me??
Paul didn?t know how to tell her that, somewhere along the line, he?d found himself adrift from the secure shore of their shared love. He?d never been good with words, especially words he knew would hurt someone. He?d practiced over and over for the time when this conversation would eventually take place. He?d spent countless sleepless nights pacing the plank floor of his efficiency apartment above the tackle shop. He?d repeated his spiel to the wind as he fished. And once he?d reconciled himself to the idea that the fire of their relationship had died to little more than a fading ember, that it was over, his mind continually spun in desperation over finding the right way to voice his feelings so as not to sound crass, heartless. Now that the dreaded moment of truth had come, he found himself verbally stumbling and tripping over his thoughts. As desperately as he tried, he couldn?t manage to keep them straight. They were as tangled as a drying fishing net whipped by a nor?easter. He hadn?t counted on the intense emotionality of the confrontation scrambling his well-rehearsed phrasing. His frustration grew when he realized his mind was a blank. He hated that he couldn?t find the words, words he?d mentally repeated over and over to himself like a mantra in preparation for this dreaded moment.
Deeply dismayed over how badly things were going, he made another stab at an explanation. ?It?s just that . . . we . . . I . . . I??
Stung by her lover?s burning words, Sadie abruptly pulled away from Paul?s grasp. ?You love someone else,? she cut in. ?Oh, for heaven?s sake, Paul. Oh God, why can?t you just come out and say it? You?ve fallen for another woman,? she said, while spewing out her words, ?and this Alaskan pipeline thing is just an excuse to go away with her!?
Agitated that the situation wasn?t going anything like he?d envisioned, Paul quickly countered. ?No! No, it?s not an excuse,? he defensively attempted to reassure. ?I told you, my brother offered me the job. All year long he?s been bugging me to stop banging my head against a wall trying to make a go of this stinkin? boat.? He flung his arms out for emphasis. ?My God! Open your eyes! Look around, Sadie. You and I both know this is a piece of floating shit! The dream blinded me to what was right in front of my eyes. You and I, Sadie, you and I both ignored the facts. We were in denial with hearts full of unrealistic hope, always holding onto that thin thread that my luck would one day turn around tomorrow. Tomorrow or the next day. Always the tomorrows, Sadie. Always the tomorrows and the days beyond that. We?ve been living for the tomorrows that aren?t ever gonna come. And all the while, I?ve just poured money into repairs and could never get ahead.? In exasperation, Paul raked his hands through his hair. ?Anyway,? he softened, ?like I said, my brother offered me the job last month and, after spending sleepless nights giving it a lot of deep thought, I, well . . . I went ahead and accepted the position.?
Sadie?s eyes widened in disbelief. This latest news hadn?t made things better. ?He?d been bugging you all year? All year? And you?ve never said anything to me about it? You never thought it was important enough to share with me, discuss together?? She was incredulous over this latest news that?d only served to further exacerbate the situation. ?And this new job offer, you just . . . just took it??
?Yes! I took it because I finally came to my senses and??
?Oh, really,? she broke in. ?You came to your senses. I thought our relationship was sense, Paul.?
?Let me finish. Please, at least give me that.?
The woman pursed her lips and looked to the window before gaining the courage to shift her gaze back in the general direction of the man standing before her. She couldn?t bring herself to look directly into her lover?s eyes. ?I?m listening.?
?Okay. So anyway, I realized he was right, Sadie,? he admitted with a sigh. ?I?ve been banging my head against a wall and that?s no secret to anyone around here. People are whispering, making comments behind my back. I?ve become the village fool. It?s just finally time to move on. You?ve got to believe me when I say there?s no other woman involved. Never has been. It?s as simple as that.? He thought that sounded lame but the words had already spilled out. He knew this wasn?t a simple situation to deal with. Nothing about this conversation was simple.
The first drops of rain dappled the windows of the pilot house.
The man inside hated himself for hurting the only woman he?d loved. The only woman he?d fallen out of love with. The only woman he still cared enough for to hide the truth that would break her heart even more. The fact was, he just didn?t feel the same about her. Even if he could remember the right words now, it was far too late. His heart would never let him speak them.
Sadie Brennan couldn?t hold back the tears that had been building behind her eyes. Though she tried to contain them, they overflowed their rims like a river cresting its banks after a week of torrential rain. She slowly backpedaled from Paul when he reached out to stroke her cheek.
?Don?t touch me,? she whispered with venom dripping from her voice. She shot her hands up between them in a warning gesture. ?Don?t you dare touch me.?
Paul?s stomach knotted to see her reaction to him. Her response, so full of repugnance, clenched his stomach, his heart, like an iron fist. His guts twisted to witness love so quickly turning to hatred and revulsion. Sick at heart over the pain he?d caused, he resigned himself to the fact that he?d done a thoroughly lousy job of handling the situation. He?d made a completely bumbled mess of it. He knew he?d bungled the whole thing and there was no way to rectify anything, no way now to erase the last forty minutes and start over. It was irrevocable. Recog?nizing this, he hopelessly abandoned further attempts to justify himself, make apologies, or soften the harsh impact of his crushing words. Feeling the futility, and heartfeltly wishing he were someplace else, he simply closed his eyes.
When he opened them again he was alone.
The parting. It?d been different from how he?d repeatedly run it through his mind. It?d ultimately happened a lot differently from how he?d envisioned it playing out. But then, he thought, nothing ever happens according to how one imagines it. It?d been harder than he?d ever dreamed. Right then he didn?t like himself very much, although he did find that he was left with a sense of deep relief to have it over. The one thought that offered a small measure of solace was the knowledge that Sadie would get past this, she?d recover. Sadie, he knew, was a survivor.
Sadie didn?t feel much like a survivor at this moment. She felt as though her fragile life had been viciously shattered and there were no shards of her future remaining; no time, except for her next sobbing breath.
Her clothing had gotten soaked through while she made her halting way from the end of the pier to where her panel van had been parked. The rain had been blowing across the weathered planks of the wharf in chilling sheets by the time she?d pulled herself together enough to see her way through the blur of flowing tears.
Once she was inside the vehicle, the heater felt too good for how she felt inside. How, she wondered, could it be remotely possible for anything to feel good right now?
Numb from the chilling rain and the shock of what had just occurred, Sadie listened to the rhythmic thrump-thrump of the windshield wipers. They sounded like the labored throb of a heart about to burst.
Sadie put the vehicle in gear and eased out onto the slick street that hugged the harbor. The headlights fought to push their beams through the curtain of pelting rain. In a mental haze, she followed the narrow bayside road as it curved itself around the feet of the small village. Now, because of the recent events, her eyes were not enviously drawn to the trim Cape Cod homes tucked on the picturesque hillside. Now her visions of living in one of them were dashed. Now they were empty. They were as empty as a midsummer?s abandoned cocoon, empty because she?d abruptly found herself without any plans at all. Only the moment. Just the moment.
The van slowed as it rolled past the eclectic array of shops separating the residential area from the wharf. It eased into the parking space in front of the quaintly appointed storefront of Harbor Heirlooms.
The engine was cut.
The thrumping heartbeat was silenced.
Rain pelted the vehicle.
The view through the windshield was obscured. The woman inside slumped down in the driver?s seat and, feeling defeated, let her head loll toward the shop. Her thoughts were jumbled as her gaze roamed over the fancy gold lettering on the colonial blue clapboard. Now what? she found herself wondering. Would she keep the antiques business? After all, she?d worked hard for six years getting it up and going. It?d become the place that renowned dealers frequented and recommended to their more discriminating clients. People came from all over New England to see what rare treasures they could add to their private collections. They came for the pure joy of doing business with the knowledgeable proprietress whom they could always count on as being friendly and fair. They came for the scenic ambiance of the village?s postcard setting. Always, they came to mix business with leisure.
Sadie shifted her gaze to the adjoining candle and book shop that her friend had cleverly named Wick ?n? Wit. Glancing at the elaborately scripted lettering on the newly painted Chinese red clapboard, her thoughts naturally turned to its wildly Bohemian owner.
Tina Glaston had been her best friend since childhood, after they?d discovered they were neighbors in one of Chicago?s most affluent residential areas. Only one year apart in age, they?d become fast and faithful companions through the thin times of grade school and the thick times of high school. College didn?t pull the friendship apart because they made sure they attended the same university. Through those trying years, they?d depended on the support of each other?s shoulders when each endured the joys and sorrows of the love affairs that came and went in their lives. After graduating, Tina had been eager to accompany Sadie to Maine to set up shops when Sadie had made the decision to follow Paul on his new fishing endeavor.
Now the Wick ?n? Wit stood dark. Sadie had been on the boat so long she?d lost track of time. She knew Tina would be in her back apartment.
Now what, Ms. Tina Glaston? Now what, old friend of mine? Sadie asked herself. If I scrap the shop, what of you?
Sadie exhaled a long-drawn-out sigh. ?Yeah, right,? she mumbled with resolve, ?as if I?m going to throw everything else away in my life; as if I?m going to let everything else crumble around me. No thanks, Paul. No thanks. You?ve ruined quite enough for now.?
The mental and emotional numbness had chilled her as much as the soaking rain. After disgustedly yanking the keys from the ignition, she ducked through the driving downpour and let herself into her own shop. Slamming the door behind herself, she slumped against it as if seeking a barrier between herself and life on the outside.
Safe. It was so safe inside. It felt like a welcoming sanctuary offering respite from the cruel elements of the weather and the world. Inside, all was as it should be, except for the sound of rainwater dripping off her clothing. She swiped her forehead and pushed from her face the long, wet strands of auburn hair.
Her legs felt like rubber, knees weak.
Not trusting her strength, she remained propped against the door.
Eyes scanned the shadowy interior. Early American brass candlesticks and burnished colonial pewter pitchers winked their buff polished surfaces with each flash of lightning that speared through the gleaming multipaned windows. More reflected winks came from the crystal faces of baroque mantle clocks and elaborately framed wall mirrors. The eighteenth-century grandfather clock ticked soulfully, then rang out to announce the hour from its rich, hand-rubbed cherry wood casing. Each clear gong sounded solid and true as thick Persian rugs mellowed their lingering vibration.
Sadie stood transfixed. Habit had her counting the number of chimes. Eleven. She waited to move until the last of the ringing reverberation melted into the plush carpet fibers and, like ghosts, drifted out through the paneled walls. Providing a welcoming sense of comforting predictability, the clock settled back into the familiar tick-tock of its etched brass pendulum.
Taking a small measure of solace from the soothing comforts of home, Sadie was drawn away from the door. Moving as though she were caught in a bad dream, she shuffled off to the left, past the aisle of heavily carved mahogany display cases filled with valuable jewelry pieces, cloisonn?, and rare pocket watches. Silently, she moved in a mental fog through the shadows to the narrow, partially concealed staircase leading up to her living quarters. Only after gaining the top step did she think to reach for the light switch.
The soft spreading aura from Tiffany lamps chased away the shadowed gloom with a warming glow.
After tossing her wet sweater onto the tapestry chaise, she set the gas logs in the fireplace blazing. She lit them as much for emotional warmth as for physical comfort.
Her mind felt abysmally overwhelmed. Resting her forehead on the Italian marble mantle, she closed her eyes. She knew she needed to think it all out. So much had to be sorted and understood; yet, at the moment, the gears of her mind seemed to be jammed as tight as a springtime ice floe. Paul?s words had frozen them in place. They required time to thaw.
When she eventually raised her head, emerald green eyes met with those looking out from the framed photograph on the mantelpiece. Paul on the fishing boat. Paul happy, smiling. He was beaming with his first big catch. It?d been a momentous day she?d captured on film for posterity, to one day show their children, perhaps their grandchildren. It?d been a day, they then believed, that verified the inevitability of their shared dreams. Looking at the photograph now, she recalled how incredibly carefree they were back then. They both glowed with ecstatic love for each other and their life together. Their future seemed bright and full of promise. It was a future so full of hopes and dreams that there was no room allotted for disappointments or the slightest probability of failure. Back then they believed that nothing could darken their days.
Instinctively, Sadie?s hand rose to touch the picture. A fingertip tenderly traced the line of the man?s smile. ?When, Paul? When did it all change?? she whispered. ?When did you let your heart be so cruelly blown adrift? Or did you knowingly choose to chart a different course? How was it that you???
Sadie was startled out of the private moment by the shrill telephone ring that pierced the room?s stillness. Irritated, she listened to its harshness, its rudeness, for interrupting her intimate interrogation of the mute perpetrator. She glanced at the annoying phone, figuring that Paul was probably on the other end. Of course, he was. He was calling to apologize, to say it was all a terrible mistake. He was calling to admit that he?d had a temporary lapse of sanity. He was most likely feeling enormous remorse for hurting her. He?d come to his senses now, devastated that he?d broken her heart. And now wanted to rectify things, ask her forgiveness; maybe even beg for it. Well, she?d just let it ring. He wasn?t going to get off that easily.
Unaware she was doing so, she counted the rings. She reached sixteen, then twenty-three. When she couldn?t bear to listen any longer, she squared her shoulders, strode across the room in measured strides, and yanked the receiver to her ear. ?You think you can just make everything go away with a phone call? Try to take everything back as if nothing was ever said? Well . . . it doesn?t work that way! You??
?Hey! Hey, whoa!!? came the concerned voice on the other end. ?What the hell?s going on, girlfriend? What did I do now??
Half-relieved and more than a bit embarrassed, Sadie collapsed into the billowy plushness of the imported sofa. Hearing her friend?s voice was a balm that disarmed her explosive mood. ?Tina. I, ahh . . . I just got in.?
?Well, isn?t that a breaking news flash. When you didn?t come right back after dinner out at the boat I put your shop to bed. I had my own customers and had to get back. I got worried about you after the weather turned wicked, spent more time watching out the window for your van lights than helping my people. Sounds like you?ve been through more than one storm tonight, honey. Wanna talk??
Sadie unconsciously traced her finger along the outline of the sofa?s Chinese peony print. ?No,? she replied as an evasive tact. ?I?m soaked. I need to get out of these wet clothes. You know, take a hot bath and maybe read for a while before heading to bed. Thanks, anyway.?
The perceptive woman on the other end of the line wasn?t so easily convinced that all was well. It?d been a long time since anyone had successfully pulled the wool over her eyes.
?You sure? You answered that phone like a snapping turtle. It?s me you?re talking to. My vibes were spiking before you even picked up. I don?t need a fortune-teller to tell me that something?s up.?
After all she?d just been through, Sadie managed to roll her eyes and mentally snicker over the vision of Tina consulting a jewel-bedecked gypsy. ?Since when do you need a fortune-teller? You are a psychic. I can never keep anything from you.?
?Yeah? Well? Then get a clue, girl. How about it? You need to talk or something? I sense you really need to talk.?
?No. No, really I don?t. What I need right now is a relaxing, hot bath.?
Tina wasn?t deterred. ?Like I said,? she repeated, ?you need to talk??
?Stop playing the analyst. All I need is a good, long soak.?
?You sure??
?I?m sure. I?ll be fine.?
?Okay then, see you in the morning. You can tell me all about it over coffee.?
?Right. See you then.?
After hanging up the receiver, Sadie let the bathroom fill with rolling steam while running her much-needed bath. Before stepping into the claw-foot tub, she lit a cluster of heavily scented votive candles that were ceremoniously placed around the rim, then switched off the light. The mood was set for relaxation. It was set, yet didn?t quite manage to fully pull off the desired effect this night. As long as her thoughts were of Paul and his revelation of an hour before, Sadie knew she wouldn?t reap any of the usual therapeutic benefits from the curling steam and glowing wicks.
Her mind shifted to recall Tina?s statement about the fortune-teller and how ridiculous the idea had struck her. Even now, in her emotionally distressed state of mind, she felt a twinge of amusement over her friend?s comment. Unbidden, snippets of their shared childhood memories came flooding to the forefront of her mind.
Tina. Tina, the neighborhood Know-It-All whom nobody could keep secrets from. Tina had always won every coin toss. When just a precocious youngster with twin braids swinging behind her back, she?d been annually punished for peeking inside the gift wrap of her hidden birthday presents. Though she was guiltless of gift snooping, she always knew what was inside the bright wrappings. She never could explain how she knew, she just did. And now the corners of Sadie?s mouth tipped up in a wry smile. ?Tina, honey,? she said to the flickering candle flames, ?you should?ve kept your mouth shut back then. You should?ve learned to stay mum about what you knew.? That comment slipped to thoughts of the Tina of today, who?d matured with experience into the graceful wisdom of discernment, gauging when to reveal what she foresaw, when to remain silent about her many inner knowings.
Sadie?s reveries were suddenly jarred back to the present by the unexpected appearance of her friend.
?Tina to the rescue!? the newcomer announced, while flamboyantly making a sweeping entry through the bathroom doorway. Her silk caftan swirled with a flourish around the long, slender legs. The waist-length blond braid swung in emphasis of the wearer?s exuberance. ?Lavender oil,? she announced, holding high the full vial. Balancing a tray with the other hand, she added with a flair, ?and chamomile tea with honey to soothe away her Ladyship?s distress!?
Sadie?s eyes glinted with appreciation. ?You?re something else. You don?t have to wait on me like that. It?s late. I said I?d be okay.?
Tina doubted that. ?Oh, right. Besides,? she added with a wink, ?I don?t wait on people. I take care of them. You, sweetie, definitely need attending to. And, in case you?ve forgotten, I might remind you that it?s never too late to care for a friend.? After setting the teapot on the vanity counter, she spun around to face Sadie and fluttered her hands. ?Up, up. Time to get out of there and let me massage away all that pent-up stress that?s messing you up. I didn?t get certified in therapeutic treatments for nothing. My God,? she dramatically exclaimed, ?your stress level is off the scale! It?s spiking off of you like static electricity!?
Wisely, Sadie relented without a word of objection. It wouldn?t have done any good if she had objected. Tina was an experienced masseuse and, if truth be told, a massage was probably just the ticket to help ease away the tension still crouching in her muscles.
Tina tossed Sadie a fluffy towel before picking up the tray of tea and oil. Ceremoniously carting them out, she didn?t hesitate to take charge and voice her instructions.
?You hurry up and get that mass of hair dried. I?ll be waiting out here with your tea. You need to talk, girl. You know, get it out in the open or the massage won?t do you a whit of good. Mmm-mmm, honey,? she hummed, ?won?t do a damn bit of good unless you release those angry and vicious feelings first. Obviously . . .? the voice trailed off, ?you got yourself some mighty hefty man problems. Big man problems. Huge. Believe me, those are the absolute worst a woman can have. And you know I know because when Ronnie and I got divorced . . .?
The hair dryer blew away the sound of Tina?s familiar ramblings. Sadie had heard them all before. Her friend had fallen overboard for a dashing fisherman when they?d first relocated to the village of Bay Port. He?d charmed her with flowers and whispered passionate, honey-dipped words. He?d swept her off her feet with a torrid affair that had them racing pell-mell up the chapel aisle with the swiftness of a harpoon in flight. It was over just as fast and had left Tina with a bitter taste in her heart when it came to entertaining the thought of another love-entangled relationship. She?d grown to like her independent life just as it was now. She immensely enjoyed that independence.
Sadie shuffled into the living area.
The lamp lights were off. Aromatherapy candles were winking on the coffee table. Quiet flames danced in the fireplace.
?Okay,? Tina firmly informed. ?The mood?s all set. Come an? tell your girlfriend all about it.? She poured steaming, golden liquid into a bone china cup and placed it before her friend.
Sadie gratefully took the proffered cup and settled on the sofa across from Tina. She released an extended sigh before beginning. ?You?re not going to believe this.?
?Try me.?
?He called it quits. He?s found someone else.?
The expected response of outrage didn?t come. Normally, a friend hearing this news would drop her jaw and then sympathetically commiserate with the wounded party with, ?What? Ohh, the bastard!? But Tina was discerning. Her response could never be clumped in with the ?norm? of anything.
?Wait a minute,? she immediately shot back. ?Did he say that? I mean, did he actually come right out and say that he loved someone else??
Sadie shook her head. The candle glow glinted off the auburn highlights of her natural curls. Her friend?s question took her off guard and she instinctively felt defensive.
?He didn?t have to,? she subtly bristled. ?The guilt was all over his face, in his voice, his body language. He kept trying to smooth it over. He kept trying to comfort me with weak apologies and stupid excuses.?
Tina was silent for a few minutes. Thoughtful. When she spoke, her words were well chosen. They were deliberate and clear. ?You?re wrong. You?ve misinterpreted him.?
Sadie recoiled. ?No, I didn?t,? came the swift defense.
?Yes, you did!? Tina was adamant. ?You jumped to conclusions by making your own assumptions. You let your mind misread the whole thing. You heard what your mind shouted at you instead of hearing his words. You listened to your own snap conclusions instead of listening to what he was saying. Then, bam!? she said, clapping her hands together for emphasis. ?Your emotional reflexes kicked into gear and took over from there.?
Sadie, not liking how her friend had sized up the situation so quickly, frowned in disappointment after hearing the startling analysis. It was unexpected. It threw her off balance. She?d wanted Tina to share her outrage, to empathize with her over how selfish and insensitive men were, to help release her anger by jointly ripping the emotionally devoid male gender to shreds in a heated bout of verbal lashing. She?d expected Tina to join in the harangue against men and bolster her own hostility. When the anticipated response didn?t come, Sadie was perplexed.
?What are you saying, Tina? What do you mean? How could I have misinterpreted him? He?s taken up his brother?s offer to start a new life with someone else. He?s going far enough away so I?ll never see him with her. Isn?t it obvious? What?s to misread in that??
Tina sighed as she pensively rested back into the plush sofa pillows. She raised a questioning brow in response. ?You tell me.?
Sadie wasn?t in the mood for Tina?s guessing games, yet her heart quickened with the remote possibility that her friend could be right. She didn?t want it to be so, but then again, Tina was always right, wasn?t she? Didn?t she have an incredibly accurate sixth sense? Didn?t she have a strong gift for these types of things? And hadn?t she repeatedly proven that her initial impressions were rarely off the mark?
Sadie?s mind was caught fast in a web of tangled thoughts stuck to crosshatched emotions. ?I?m sorry,? she halfheartedly said. ?I?m just so confused right now. I can?t seem to sort any of this out.? Her gaze drifted to the softly burning fireplace flames. ?I want to be angry. I know that that must sound awful but, if I?m honest with myself, that?s what I feel.? Then she looked into her friend?s sky-blue eyes. ?Do you think I?m a terrible person for wanting to be angry right now??
?Not if you know what you?re supposed to be angry about. It seems to me that it?d be awful for anyone to be angry over a false assumption they?d made.?
Sadie gave that some thought. She really didn?t want to be wrong or think that she?d misread the situation with Paul. ?If it?s as you say . . . that is, if he really isn?t in love with someone else . . . what?s wrong with me? Where?d I mess up??
Notorious for never beating around the bush, Tina was painfully straightforward and cut to the bottom line without mincing words. ?Right there. You just answered your own question. You made a serious assumption that was wrong. You assumed he was involved with someone else. You were so incredulous, blindsided, by Paul?s decision to leave, your mental reflexes pulled out a false scenario from your own cache of defense mechanisms. Then you emotionally clutched at that altered truth because you wanted to, felt you needed to. You wanted to do that because your imagined scenario gave his leaving a more acceptable reason, a reason you could better understand and, ultimately, psychologically cope with.?
Sadie?s brows knit together. ?But how could I have done that? You know me, I never make assumptions. I don?t jump to unsubstantiated conclusions. I know better than that.?
?Ahh, but here?s the bitter twist to that. When the heart?s involved, we?re not always the mistress of our own mind, are we? Aren?t there those certain extenuating situations when first responses are engaged for the purpose of protecting that tender heart of ours from injury? When, without intended malice or conniving forethought, the mind instinctively reacts by charging forward to save the damsel from distress by concocting an alternate scenario and then raising high the banner of a different color? For all to see? The old protective shield??
Mollified, Sadie?s gaze ruefully lowered to the liquid surface of her cup. ?And,? she whispered, ?that shield becomes the false truth that comes between the damsel and the real truth. It?s a heart shield.? She released a halfhearted chuckle. ?God, Tina, your explanations are always so visual.? She raised her eyes to again lock on her friend?s. ?What makes you always come up with such clear images??
Tina, avoiding the deterring question, wagged her finger in friendly admonishment. ?You?re changing the subject. Let?s not do that right now, okay? It tends to hamper the progress you?re making here.?
As a further stall tactic, Sadie gave her full attention to slowly draining her cup.
Tina took the cue and quickly refilled it. ?Let?s not stall out, either,? she gently encouraged. ?Keep going.?
?Going where?? came the slightly belligerent response.
?Excuse me? You still haven?t pinpointed what you misinterpreted. When you do that, you?ll know what your mind was attempting to protect your heart from, what your heart didn?t want to face . . . acknowledge and feel.?
Sadie felt her insides begin to squirm. She didn?t want to do this ?eye-to-eye thing with truth.? She felt like fidgeting; instead, she nervously glanced up at the mantel clock. ?I thought I already admitted to falsely assuming he?d had another lover. If there?s more to it, why do I have to dig deeper right now??
?Because you need to, that?s why. Because there?s no better time than the present. Otherwise, you?re going to waste time stewing over the wrong kettle. You need to do this right now because you need to walk right up to the truth, look it square in the eye, and then get yourself clear of it. You need to deal, Sadie. You need to deal with it.?
Partially unconvinced and mostly unwilling, Sadie released a long, irrepressible sigh. ?Look, I really appreciate you wanting to help, but right now the only thing I need to do is just go to bed, get some sleep. I?ve dealt with enough for one night. I can?t handle any more.?
?Can?t or won?t handle?? Tina chuckled at her friend?s naive ruse. ?Who are you trying to kid? Sleep will be the last thing you get tonight. I think you know that already. Unless you talk this out right now and move past it, you?ll end up pacing the floor till sunup.?
Sadie, of course, knew her friend was right on the money. She hated it when that happened. She shifted her gaze to the window where the driving rain lashed at the panes like a sea monster wanting inside. Her eyes were as green as a hidden tropical lagoon when she returned her attention to her friend. ?Your visual analogy was a sympathetic one, you know.?
?Really. How?s that??
?It?s not only the heart that?s meant to be protected by that falsely colored shield the mind created. It?s also the ego.?
Tina?s brow rose. ?Well, that?s true,? she agreed, while leaning forward. ?You must be sorting things out rather nicely if you came to that. You must?ve figured out the second half of your assumption.?
Lightning flashes illumined the room with explosive bursts of blinding brightness.
The two women winced with the sudden glare.
Thunder rumbled and sent a vibration shuddering beneath their feet.
Sadie absently glanced over at the flickering firelight. ?You were right, you know. He never actually said he loved someone else. That idea, that whole thing, came from me. That was my assumption. It was pure assumption. It was easier on my fragile ego to believe there was another woman rather than knowing he didn?t love me anymore. That was something I wasn?t prepared to face.?
?Oh, honey,? Tina cooed, while moving over beside her friend. She gently lifted a stray strand of auburn hair from the other?s face.
Sadie?s head slowly tilted. Misting eyes locked onto Tina?s. ?How long did you know?? she reticently asked, not sure she wanted to hear the answer.
Tina?s blue eyes misted in turn. ?Know what??
?Please, don?t pretend you don?t know what I?m talking about. How long have you known that he didn?t love me anymore??
The answer was difficult to finally voice. For someone like Tina, the act of speaking something aloud somehow made it more real, defined it more clearly, brought it forward to manifest more fully in reality. Steeling herself to keep from flinching, she said, ?For about three months. I?m sorry.?
Sadie flushed with the news. ?So,? she pushed, ?so, why didn?t you tell me? Why didn?t you come to me when you first suspected something? You?re my friend. Why?d you let me believe everything was rosy when it wasn?t? God,? she sighed with a berating undertone, ?I feel so stupid. I feel so damn stupid now.?
Tina rested her hand over Sadie?s. ?I didn?t want to mention anything before this because, contrary to whatever you may think, Sadie, I?m not always right about the things I sense. You know how careful I am about these things. I never just spew out my initial insights until I?ve had a chance to be sure, taken the time to gather verifying evidence.
?At first there were just little things here and there that I picked up on, things related to Paul?s behavior that were inconsistent with how I?d come to know him over the years. I felt he was acting a bit distant, like he was trying to pull away from your relationship, even from me because I?m your closest friend. He didn?t seem to be quite as easygoing as usual. There appeared to be some sort of new edge to his mannerisms. There was a sharpness to his behavior verging on avoidance or something. I thought he avoided eye contact. I don?t know, for a while I couldn?t really put my finger on it, maybe like a new impatience or curtness that wasn?t there before. I felt that something was really bothering him and it was affecting the way he related to the both of us. Then, just last month I figured it out.
?God, Sadie,? Tina emphasized, ?don?t you think I agonized over whether or not to say anything to you? I spent countless nights pacing the floor trying to come to a decision about it. I kept asking myself the same questions over and over. I found myself overwhelmed by all kinds of self-doubts. What if I was wrong about him? What if I was just imagining things? I hated the thought of you two breaking up. I really, really hated it. Half of me denied what I was sensing and the other half couldn?t overlook what I was seeing and hearing from him. I thought his manner seemed to be growing evasive and his tone becoming more clipped as time went on.
?Like I said, even his eye contact wasn?t what it used to be. You know, how he?d always look people square in the eye? He stopped doing that. He began averting his eyes when we spoke. Still, after all those signs, I couldn?t bring myself to broach the idea with you because, in my heart, I didn?t want it to be true. I figured it?d be best to stay out of it and let the situation run its course. If I was wrong then no harm was done by remaining quiet about it. If I was right, well then, in the end it was ultimately up to you two.? Unsure of how her friend had taken her admission, Tina lowered her head to study her nervously entwining fingers. The long braid swung down in front of her. ?Are you angry with me, Sadie? Do you hate me for keeping quiet??
Sadie reassuringly squeezed her friend?s hand. ?No. No, of course I don?t hate you. I?m not even angry with you. I?m angry with myself for not seeing it coming, ignoring those subtle signs that I thought I saw, as well.? She paused before finishing. ?The eye contact thing, I definitely noticed how he was looking everywhere but in my eyes. I guess I was in denial. I was in denial right up to when I lashed out at him in the wheelhouse and was finally forced to face that denial head-on. Even then I chose not to. Still,? she hesitated. ?Still??
?Still, you?re hurt. You?re hurt just the same. That?s natural. You can?t figure out what happened so don?t even bother trying. In the end, it?ll drive you crazy.? Tina bent forward to look directly into Sadie?s lowered gaze. ?Relationships are funny things, honey. It?s not unheard of for someone to drift away, to fall out of love. It doesn?t mean that you did anything wrong. It doesn?t mean that you?ve changed in any way. It only means that the two of you weren?t on the same page. It happens all the time to couples.?
Sadie shrugged at the generalized excuse. It sounded oversimplified, like a catch-all rationalization. She wanted it to be more defined. She wanted it to be more black and white, more individualized.
Tina?s empathy was deeply sincere as she continued the attempt to comfort her friend. ?I mean, look at Ronnie and me. Didn?t we have a great relationship for a while? Weren?t our hearts on fire for each other in the beginning? My God, we swore we were honest-to-God, dyed-in-the-wool soulmates. Our passions could set the beach ablaze like a bonfire on crabbing night. We believed that the sun rose and set on each other?s precious heads. We?d convinced ourselves that the moonlight shone for us and us alone. We were smitten with each other.?
Remaining mute, Sadie simply nodded in remembrance of the torrid affair.
?Then, bam!? Tina exclaimed, clapping her hands together for emphasis again. ?Nothing went right between us. And I do mean nothing. We were always arguing over something; big things and little things, it didn?t matter. We just stopped seeing eye-to-eye anymore. One thing led to another, so we mutually agreed to call it quits. It wasn?t necessarily the fault of one or the other, it just didn?t work together anymore. The flame fizzled out, is all. It happens. Sadie, it happens to the best of us. No matter how often we make ourselves blue in the face blowing on that ember to keep love alive, it can die out anyway. A relationship isn?t going to survive if only one of you is always struggling to keep that flame going. That?s the time for a reality check, for both parties to take a step back, catch your breath, and just respectfully let it fade out. You watch it go out with acceptance of its reality, its finality.?
?But what?d I do?? Sadie softly questioned. ?How did I change??
?You weren?t listening to me. You?re already blaming yourself and you can?t go there. That?s a dark place to go. It?s nobody?s fault, remember? There?s no blame to be found or cast. Fading feelings of love don?t necessarily come from someone changing a thing. They can just happen all by themselves.? She firmly grasped Sadie?s chin. ?Do you hear what I?m saying? You didn?t do anything!?
Silence.
?Sadieee??
Sadie seemed ambivalent. ?I heard you.?
?Also,? Tina wisely interjected, ?you?re not the only one hurting here. Don?t you think it tore Paul?s heart out to have to break this off? He still cares for you, you know. Drifting out of love doesn?t also mean that you stop caring for the other person. Don?t you think that what he said tonight?however badly he managed to say it?was the hardest thing to ever pass his lips?
?I?m serious, Sadie. Think about that. Think about what he let you do. He let you think he loved someone else instead of coming right out and saying that his love for you wasn?t as strong anymore. He went ahead and let you think the absolute worst of him, that he was a cheating cad, because he knew that that one idea would hurt you less than the truth.?
The sudden realization of the gross error Sadie had made dropped like a two-ton anchor into her gut. Clutching her stomach, she started to rise from the couch.
?Oh! Oh my God! I need to call him. I falsely accused him when he was only trying to let me down easy.?
?Later,? Tina said, putting out her hand. ?You can do that tomorrow.?
For the moment, Sadie relented and sat back down.
The two were silent for several long minutes.
When Tina next spoke, her voice was gentle. ?There?s . . . there?s more,? she hesitantly informed.
?More what??
?More to this story. There?s more you haven?t thought of yet. You?ve only focused on the part that directly involved you. There?s a second half to all of this.?
Sadie squirmed in frustration. ?Now what? What?re you talking about? What second half??
?That assumption about the other woman he let you believe was only a part of his own pain. He has an equally devastating cross to bear. He?s also smarting from deep disappointment over his failed fishing dream. He?s facing the fact that he personally failed at something he?d dreamed of doing since he was a boy.?
Sadie?s brows furrowed as her friend spoke of the elusive second half of the situation.
?Not only is he dealing with a failed love, he?s also having to contend with the hard reality of a failed life dream. Right now??
Sadie was crying. The tears began to fall from her eyes one at a time, then rolled down her cheeks in rivulets until she couldn?t hold back the torrent that was soon pouring like an overflowing rain barrel.
Tina embraced her friend. She held her until she was all cried out.
Sadie suddenly jumped to her feet. ?I?ve been so blind! I?ve been so selfish that I never even thought of his own heartbreaking disappointment.?
Though Tina halfheartedly agreed, she asked, ?So now we?re going to wallow in a bit of self-indulgence, are we? Maybe throw in a cup of self-deprecation for good measure? That?ll get you nowhere fast. It?ll only end up exponentially exacerbating the whole situation if you try doing that. You need to keep it as simple as you can without making matters worse. You had just temporarily lost sight of the greater picture, that?s all.?
Sadie thought about what her friend had said. She saw the point and felt duly chastised. ?Okay, okay,? she relented, while beginning to pace the floor. She was visibly shaken. Her hands trembled while running them through her mass of drying curls. ?So, even forgetting about all that self-deprecating bullshit that goes nowhere, I?ve still got to call him,? she moaned, wiping her face with the sleeve of the chenille bathrobe. ?I have to call him to apologize and . . . and tell him how sorry I am that he has to move on to something else. I?ve got to let him know that I, well, that I understand.?
Tina went to her friend?s side and gently gripped the trembling shoulders. ?Later. You don?t need to do that right now. Though you may think you do, you don?t. Right now I?m going to give you that massage. Mentally and emotionally, you just came a long, long way.? She wiped a corner of Sadie?s eye. ?Look at you, you?re all cried out. Believe me, a massage is just what you need to work out the last of tonight?s tension and help you sleep.? She smiled warmly. ?Listen to Tina. Tina knows about these things.?
Sadie didn?t quite agree. She was persistent. ?No. No, I?ll never sleep if I don?t get this out of the way,? she said, crossing the room to the phone. ?I know I won?t rest until I do this first. I have to get this out of the way before I can even think about relaxing.?
Tina let her friend assuage her conscience and, without another word, returned to the couch. She watched that friend anxiously punch in the phone number, and then disappointedly wait through the seven rings until Paul?s message recorder kicked in. She heard her friend?s attempt to haltingly apologize for her earlier misunderstanding and then ask if they could talk again in the morning.
Sadie gently set down the receiver and let her eyes drift over to the woman sitting on the couch. ?I had to do that,? she whispered. ?I hated leaving a message, but I had to let him know that I no longer believed he was involved with someone else. I had to let him know that I understood and shared the pain of the decision to abandon his fishing dream.? She paused then as her eyes shifted to the window and lingered there. The wind was whipping autumn leaves against the pane. ?Where do you suppose he is?? she asked in a faraway voice. ?He can?t still be out on the boat, can he? Do you think he?s still out on the boat??
Tina shrugged. ?No telling where he might be. I think it?s a good guess that he?s either still out there or went over to Jack?s Place to toss back a few. You know how old Jack loves to be a sympathetic sounding board for his customers.? Tina fluttered her hands. ?Paul will be okay. He?s a survivor.?
Sadie turned to face her friend. ?Odd you should say that. He always said the same thing about me. He?d say, ?Sadie, my love, you?re a survivor. You could get through anything life threw at you.??
?Well,? Tina agreed with a capricious grin, ?there you go. You?re both right. You?ll both come through this. You?ll see.?
Sadie thought on that idea. She didn?t know if her friend was being a clear-seeing psychic or simply trying to make her feel better. She decided that she didn?t want to know which one it was. She managed a meager reciprocal smile and gave in to her friend?s therapeutic offer. ?I think I?m ready for that massage now.?
Before the massage was finished, she fell asleep to the soft drone of Tina?s voice expounding on the frivolous soulmate concept. She never felt the soft flannel sheet and light blanket being pulled up over her shoulders. She never heard her friend quietly slip from the room.
During the night, the storm blew out to sea.
The choppy waters of the inlet returned to a mirrored calm of reflected starshine.
Moonlight bathed the quaint harbor village in a soft, silvery glow.
The woman sleeping above the antique shop on the wharf never saw any of it. She never heard the calm return to the harbor. And she never heard the pickup, loaded with all of the driver?s meager belongings, follow the curve of the bayside road for the last time.
Continues. . .
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